my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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