i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We need to get me chipped asap
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
