i just had sex bonerless
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
