I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
