yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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