i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You can't special order awesome
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
