New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
