My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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