You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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