turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
