I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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