Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
