I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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