I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
