and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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