Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
