I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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