Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
