if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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