I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
