I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
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I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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