It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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