life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
