Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
