do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
