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i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
