the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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