They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
