I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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