We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Green mimosas i think yes
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
