No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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