You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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