put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
