help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
