walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
