Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
