just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
