my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Someone shit on the floor
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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