So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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