I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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