ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
