farters have to be the big spoon...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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