so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
