I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Randomize
