It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
