Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
