he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
