Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
