If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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