I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
