what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
