so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
