My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
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Im part way to drunk.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
not ubering you a puppy
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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