Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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