Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
